This article contains detailed descriptions of domestic and family violence.

It happened so suddenly that I wasn't prepared for it. I didn't know anything about domestic and family violence (DFV). When it happened to me, I didn't know how to name it, nor how to escape.

Coming from both a professional and academic background, as a pharmacist and a lecturer of nursing, I had rarely heard anyone in my circles talk about experiencing DFV.

A woman talking seriously on her phone. — One of my first points of support came from my work colleagues and friends. Picture: Getty Images

So, when the abuses came – emotional, physical and financial – I had no language for them and no map out. I nearly lost hope in myself.

The final wakeup call came when my then-husband moved his girlfriend into our house.

Over and above the humiliation, I realised he was trying to push me out, and that I would be left with nothing.

Learning to name what was happening

When I finally learned to name what was happening, I realised I was the one in three women worldwide affected by DFV. Here in Australia, it affects one in four women, and one in fourteen men.

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For me, one of my first points of support came from my immediate colleagues and friends. They shared with me the Power and Control Wheel. That was how I learned that what was happening to me was part of DFV.

I also reached out to the Employee Assistance Program for counselling. The counsellor helped me understand my experience and gave me advice on a pathway to escape.

As the situation escalated in frightening ways, with the help of others, I gained the confidence to take action and plan my way out.

A community I didn't know I had

Friends and family around the world, neighbours and work colleagues all became part of my journey.

As did organisations including my employer, the police, the courts, legal services, domestic violence services, the bank and city council.

Two female neighbours drinking coffee on a balcony — Many people were empathetic and kind, particularly neighbours who actively helped. Picture: Getty Images

At times it wasn't easy. Some people turned away from me. The support I expected from the first police station never came.

But many more were empathetic and kind, offering help in whatever capacity they could. I finally found an officer at another police station who was supportive and effective.

Reaching out was challenging, but it was also revelatory.

My neighbours were extraordinary.

An elderly neighbour agreed to be my authorised representative for the court order. Later, another older neighbour and the local real estate agent mobilised their own networks and helped me safely relocate to a new temporary rental home.

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Through the court hearings, I learned from my supervisor and the Safer Community Program that the University provides staff with paid leave for DFV that can be used for attending legal matters.

I also learned that the Safer Community Program is linked with other support services. A colleague from the Social Work Department, with expertise in DFV research, gave me further peer support.

Running my survival like a project

As an academic and researcher with experience in project management, I turned my lived experience into a real-world project that adapted quickly to a fast-changing situation.

I used whatever transferrable skills I had – my project skills, research, problem-solving, critical thinking and teamwork skills – and translated them into planning my escape and building relationships that would support me.

Serious female financial advisor and client discussing financial plan — With the help of others, I used my transferrable skills to set goals over 12 months. Picture: Getty Images

With the help of others, I set an immediate goal I needed to reach, then worked through a list of further goals over twelve months.

Between October 2024 and February 2025, my first goal was to secure a Family Violence Intervention Order (FVIO) to protect my safety and wellbeing.

After that, I needed to sell my house and move to a temporary place to live. Across August and September 2025, I settled my financial matters as part of the divorce.

For each goal, I set a timeline and planned the tasks.

As I didn’t have any family support in Australia, I needed to build both a community team and a professional team to help me.

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On the advice of friends, I created a spreadsheet, initially to compile my financial contributions from the marriage for my family lawyers to use in the settlement. Later, it became a way to document and manage the complexities of police, legal, justice and service support.

Building resilience cannot be over-estimated.

My sense of myself as a person – with a capacity for persistence and strength, and a positive mindset – slowly began to return.

Why I'm telling my story

I was fortunate to survive. Twelve months on, I still have my job. I am no longer victimised by the perpetrator. I am divorced and buying a new house, taking on that significant mortgage myself.

What helped me and what your workplace might offer

If you are experiencing DFV, or assisting someone who is, some of the support that mattered most was built into where I worked.

Employee Assistance Program (EAP): Many workplaces offer free, confidential counselling.
Paid DFV leave: Some employers provide dedicated paid leave for staff affected by DFV, which can be used for court hearings, relocating and other legal or safety matters.
Specialist support programs: Ask whether your workplace has a safety or wellbeing program, and whether it is connected to other internal services.
Peer support: Colleagues with relevant expertise, and simply colleagues who listen, can be a lifeline.
The Power and Control Wheel: This is a widely used tool for recognising the patterns of DFV. For many people, seeing it is the moment their experience finally has a name.

DFV can affect anyone at any stage of life.

But it is often hidden or unnoticed, including in professional women. It can be a lonely and isolating journey.

We all have a role in supporting each other. Empathy and small gestures of help can make a real difference to someone's life. It did for me.

It was the collective support of individuals, professionally and personally, that changed my life. It took a village for me to escape and survive.

If you are in immediate danger, call 000.

If you or anyone you know needs help or support, you can contact:

1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732, text 0458 737 732 or online chat - available 24/7.
Lifeline on 13 11 14 offers 24-hour crisis support.
Men's Referral Service on 1300 766 491. Support for men, including those wanting to change their own behaviour.
The Orange Door help for people experiencing or using family violence to care for children and young people with a range of locations in Victoria.
Mortgage Stress Victoria on 1800 572 292. Provides free help to Victorians in mortgage stress.
WIRE helps Victorian women and gender diverse people navigate issues including DFV and can be contacted on 1300 134 130.
inTouch provides specialist services to people from migrant and refugee backgrounds experiencing family violence. Call 1800 755 988 Monday to Friday 9:00am – 5:00pm.

This article was first published on Pursuit. Read the original article.

Content Warning:

Learning to name what was happening

A community I didn't know I had

Running my survival like a project

Why I'm telling my story

What helped me and what your workplace might offer

Dr

Cik Lee

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